Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Lyla's Mommy

It has been almost one year since I first decided I was going to try out this whole running thing.  Never in a million years would I imagine myself where I am today.  When I trained for Indy, I told myself once I was done, I was done.  I never actually thought I would "enjoy" running.  Turns out, it's my saving grace.  No matter what has happened or what my fears are or what is weighing on my mind...running clears it all.  That 40+ minutes of one foot in front of the other in the open air on an empty road is the most freeing, calming, energizing feeling I've ever experienced.  That feeling after a long, hard run when your neck has a thick coating of salt and your eyes are stinging from the sweat, but there's still a smile on your face.  That feeling of starting a race, wondering if you have the guts to push yourself to PR or finish.  That feeling of finishing a race, tears in your eyes, smile on your face and complete exhaustion and vitality at the same time.  All feelings I can't find words to describe, yet are at the tip of my tongue.  Running has changed me.  I've let go of all of my fears.  I don't say can't.  I stopped saying never and started thinking...thinking of things I thought were for others.  I started running at 5 am.  I started running at the dunes.  I started running mileage that once felt insanely difficult and now feels strangely normal.  I'm happier.  I'm healthier.  Above everything else, I'm a better mom.  Running gave me the freedom to be happy with who I am and excited to be Lyla's mommy.  Running gave me, me.  It gave me the me I always wanted to be.  I'm not the fastest runner.  I'm not the best runner.  Heck, there are times when I still laugh when I call myself a runner.  I'm a runner simply because I run and I love it.  My most important goal in this life is to be the best mommy Lyla could have.  Running has brought me to a place where I feel it's possible.  I don't feel guilty for leaving early on Sunday mornings to go run for a couple of hours and miss her waking up.  When I get home and walk through that door after a hard run, she smiles so big and says, "Mommy's home!"   I want her to find something she loves one day and have the confidence to do it.  Even if she's not the best, I want her to have that innate self-assurance to put everything she has into it and not be scared to fail.  I want her to experience that feeling of pure joy.  I know that running may not be what she will love to do but I'd be lying if I didn't admit how happy I would be to have this one thing to share with her someday.