There is a moment of peace that I experience after a run. It comes at different times, depending on the day and if I'm running in a group or solo. Many times, it happens later in the day when something is bothering me, and instead of getting upset, I'm able to remain calm and just remember that it's really not a big deal. I don't know how running did that for me, but it has. Running mile after mile and being able to talk to others I don't otherwise get a chance to have long conversations with or running by myself and being able to open my mind and let things work themselves out. Both situations allow me to find my peace.
You could say I'm in need of a little extra peace of mind. We (my husband and I) recently found out that I can no longer have children (less than 1% chance of getting pregnant). We have Lyla, which is a lot more than some others are able to have, so there are no complaints here. She is the heart and soul of this family and brings more joy into our lives than I could ever have imagined. But, there is a desire to give her a sibling and to have at least one more child.
Yes, we could work more with the doctors and find specialists in other states and spend exorbitant amounts of money trying to have another baby, but where would that leave us...leave me? Exhausted, with still less than 30% chance of being pregnant and time away from Lyla. I'm not willing to lose these last few toddler moments with her.
Instead, I've decided to find peace with our decision to be a family of three. I think that only other runners can really understand why running my first marathon has become my "therapy". It gives me something positive to focus on. It gives me time to think. It gives me a little more peace day after day.
I’ve had my moment of frustration, anger, rage at this entire situation. I don't want to be that person. I just want to move on and enjoy our amazing little family. There are many high points to only having one child and I understand that. However, it does not change the fact that my heart aches to be pregnant again...to have a sister or brother for Lyla to grow up with...to see in what ways they are similar and in what ways they become their own person. That hasn't changed. I think time does heal....and the longer I run, the more healing I experience.
I'll be running a trail marathon in Bloomington on December 7, 2013. I expect that I will question every little bit of why I did this to myself, but I pray that by the time I cross that finish line, I have accepted our fate and found peace with my diagnosis. The training is going to be tough and I'm going to want to quit, but in the back of my head I will think of why I'm running.
Everyone runs for different reasons. I originally started because I was told I couldn't. Now, I'm running for me. I'm running so that I can let go of what is weighing at my heart and help me move on. I'm running so that when I am with Lyla and Tom, I'm present. I'm running because I've been told I can't do something again....and since there is no "fixing" me this time, I'll put my shoes on, walk out the door, put one foot in front of the other and let the miles heal my heart.