Monday, September 8, 2014

The Happiness Challenge

It breaks my heart when a patient underestimates their abilities or self worth.  Sometimes I feel like a patient is scared I am judging them when I mention being more active or eating healthier.  I speak a lot about proper nutrition and healthy eating.  I talk about it because I want to be able to help people live a healthier lifestyle.  What I do not talk about is being skinny or "ripped" or looking better.  I do not believe our self worth is graded on those characteristics. I do not like someone better because they are skinny.  I like someone better if they have good energy, have a desire to be a better person, and genuinely care about others.

No one is perfect.  No One.  In the pursuit of perfection, one will ultimately end up frustrated and unfulfilled.  There is no reason to strive for perfection.  I encourage the pursuit of happiness and self love.  If you have the ability to love yourself, you will find true happiness.  You will be able to love greater, enjoy more, and let go of what you can't control. 

Take a look at what you dislike in your life, whether it is your weight, your job, your car, etc.  What would make you happy?  If you lost 5 pounds?  If you didn't have to work?  If you drove a fancy car?  Picture yourself happy.  What does that look like?  I can't do it.  I don't know how to draw a picture of myself happy.  Being truly happy comes from an emotional state of enjoying a moment in time...forgetting whatever is bothering me...letting go of those things I can not control.  If I picture myself 5 pounds lighter, I'm not happier, I'm just thinner.  If I want to be happy, I would be listening to my husband tell my daughter a bed time story.  I would be watching my sister laugh with my niece at the beach.  I would see my best friend running in the dunes alongside me. 

I spent a large part of my life wishing I was skinnier.  No matter how much weight I would lose, I was never happier.  Ever.  There was always something more I could do.  About 3 years ago, I decided I wanted to be a good role model for my daughter when it came to being healthy.  I changed my diet - by not dieting.  I choose to eat whole foods for the most part and eating less than healthy foods in moderation.  I don't comment about my body unless it is in a positive way (as much as possible).  I do not use the words skinny, fat, chubby, etc. to talk about my or my daughter's body.  I use the words strong, healthy, and beautiful.  Our bodies are beautiful.  Every single one of them, no matter what size.  If you think about how they work and the amazing systems that control our movements, our digestion, healing processes, and growth....it's a miracle and should be looked at with awe, not judgment.  I focused on what would make me happier - being a healthy role model for my daughter and stopped obsessing over my own body image.  What happened after that was amazing.  I started enjoying things more.  I felt more alive.  My relationship improved with my husband.  Parties became more enjoyable.  I started to listen more.  I started to live more.

Don't get me wrong, I am a woman and I still have my insecurities.  But, knowing that they do not define who I am helps me get out of a funk much faster than before.  I still have days when I don't like my outfit or how I look in the mirror.  It's those days that I must remind myself that I am beautiful on the inside and out.  I have a kind heart and a desire to help others.  My body does not reflect who I am.  In the past, if I left the house not liking my reflection in the mirror, it would affect my entire day.  I was probably not the nicest person to everyone, not because of them, but because of what I was feeling about myself.  I make a conscious effort to give myself a pep talk if I find I'm not loving that person in the mirror.  I tell myself the exact opposite of what I'm feeling.  And it helps.  We really are our worst critics and we shouldn't be.  We should be our greatest supporter.  We should be reminding ourselves how great we are each and every day.  Not in a self-absorbed, cocky way, but in an encouraging, self-loving way.  If you don't love yourself, how can anyone else? 

I know this post a little bit all over the place, which in reality, is probably the most true representation of who I am.  My goal in writing this was to encourage those that do not understand how much damage they are doing to not only themselves, but to those around them by pursuing happiness through a quantitative goal.  Happiness cannot be measured by any one thing.  Being skinnier, having more money, having the nicest car....none of it will equal happiness.  How you treat yourself will directly start to impact how you treat others and have more of an effect on your happiness than anything else.  At least in my opinion and experience.   

Life does not always follow the path that we thought we would walk down.  In fact, sometimes, the greatest gifts will result from some of our darkest days.  If you never learn to let go of those demons and start living, you may miss the one thing that makes the rest of your life complete.  Take a deep breath, open your mind and allow yourself to just live and be who you are.  Accept yourself, accept your most annoying traits and embrace your best qualities.  I leave you with a challenge.  I challenge you to tell yourself one positive thing in the mirror every morning before you leave the house for one month straight.  See what happens.  It can be the same thing or you can change it daily based on what you need to hear.  Tell yourself what you wish your spouse, your kids, or your friends would say to you.  Send me an email and let me know if it changed anything.  Good luck!

Monday, May 12, 2014

It has been almost two years since I first started having "symptoms" of early onset menopause.  At the time, I was completely oblivious to what was happening.  It wasn't until a year later, when I still was not pregnant that I started to catch on and began looking for answers.  Answers I never found.

Sure, I have a diagnosis:  Premature Ovarian Failure.  FAILURE is what I think my brain always saw when I would type those words in the google search bar.  Failure is what most women tend to feel like when they find themselves with an empty womb over time. 

There were days that I felt so alone, I wanted to stay in bed.  There were days I felt so full of rage, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.  There were days I felt such a wave of unbearable sadness, I just wanted to lock myself in the laundry room.  There were days, I'd spend every spare moment I had "searching" for answers.  Searching for a reason why

Why did this happen?  Why was I able to have Lyla so easily and now I'm told my time has passed.  Why?  Why can't I give her a sibling?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Ugh.  I hate that question.  Because, in all honesty, I will most likely never have my answer.  I have my own hypotheses of why, but nothing I can prove. 

So, now what?  I had the idea to run a marathon to take my focus off trying to have another baby.  It actually did help.  I'm not sure if it's the time that has elapsed or that all those miles truly did heal my heart, but for the most part, I'm better each day. 

What still eats at me, and the reason I'm writing this, is that there are so many women that I now know personally that are dealing with infertility and it breaks my heart.  So here is my advice for those that are currently going through any kind of fertility issue and what I wish I would have known two years ago.

1.  Love your partner.  In the end, no matter what the outcome, your partner will still be there...if you are lucky.  Love them with all of your heart and nurture that relationship.  If you are feeling alone, chances are, he/she is feeling the same.  Focus on the love you have for one another...and not on what you are missing.

2.  Make plans.  I went so many months saying "no" to things, just in case I got pregnant.  You know what...if you get pregnant, you will figure it out later.  You'll either change your plans or just continue on pregnant.  Let's face it...if you get pregnant, will you really be "upset" about having to go on vacation or to a party with a cute little baby bump?

3.  Love yourself.  It's not your fault.  I don't care what you ate, what medicine you took, what activities you have done in the past.  Infertility is not your fault.  Don't beat yourself up.  You should, in fact, be doing the opposite.  Tell yourself every morning that you are beautiful and strong. Look in the mirror and say it.  And mean it.  The more you believe it's your fault, the more you feel badly about yourself and the more stress you put yourself under.  You ARE beautiful and strong and infertility is NOT your fault.  Period.

4.  Cry.  Let yourself feel what you feel without shame.  If you are sad, be sad.  If you let your emotions build up and do not acknowledge them, they will consume you.  You are allowed to be sad.  You are allowed to have a good time and laugh.  In every way you can, just be true and honest and allow yourself those moments.  Share them with the ones you love already.  Ask for hugs when you need them.  Infertility is a very lonely place at times and many people will not understand that unless you ask for help.

That's it. That's my advice.  I wish someone would have told me these things.  Or maybe they did, I just didn't really listen.  I know it's definitely easier to give the advice than to follow it, but try.  You don't have to train for a marathon in order to get through it either.  You'll figure it out...someday.  Just know that someday doesn't have to be today. 

Thursday, March 20, 2014

There is NO Finish Line when it comes to your health.

I'm not going to lie.  I have ran minimally since Tecumseh.  I've actually barely worked out since that race.  The combination of feeling burnt out, the relentless furry of Mother Nature this winter, and being preoccupied with moving my office...I just haven't made running or working out a priority.  And now, I'm starting to feel it. 

Not only are my pants a bit snug (let's be honest, they are beyond snug...  I have a permanent indent from my waistband in my stomach) but I'm not myself.  I'm lacking energy, craving bad foods, and worrying too much about little things.  I kept telling myself that once the weather breaks, I'll snap out of it.  Excuse number one.  I figured once we move the office, I'll get back on track.  Excuse number two.  I believed that once the farmer's markets are back up and running, I'll be motivated to eat fresher foods and not crave oil dipped bread...chocolate...mmmm...chocolate.  OK, so that will probably never happen, but it was still an excuse to indulge in things I really shouldn't be as often as I have been. 

So now it's time to lose the excuses and put on my big girl pants, even if they barely fit.  And if you are reading this, and you are relating to what I'm saying, it's time to put yours on too!

It's going to take little steps.  If I attempt to go full force all at once, it's imminent to end in failure or disappointment.  I made a batch of delicious vegan chili two days ago.  I bought fresh organic produce to make awesome salads this week and even made my own dressing.  I've increased my water intake and made myself go to bed earlier so far this week.  It's working.  I plan on running in the morning and getting out to the dunes on Sunday.  Baby steps back to a healthier me and better fitting pants.

I had a patient tell me the other day that it made them feel better knowing that I was going through these feelings this winter just like them.  My purpose in writing this is to admit I'm not 100% healthy 100% of the time.  I'm completely human and I have my ups and downs just like everyone else.  As I've said many times before though, it's not what happens to you that defines you, it's how you react to the situation that truly tells who you are.  This has been a rough winter here in NWI for everyone.  So let's rally together.  Let's make sure we overcome whatever unhealthy damage we have done to ourselves these past few months and not let it consume us.  It's never too late to be a healthier person!  Sit down and write some goals for the next month. I've written mine below as an example.  Keep it simple and keep it attainable. 

Your health has no finish line.  Keep on going, even if you have a set back.  In regards to your health, it really is the journey that is most important, not the destination. 

My goals:
This week:  Run Friday and Sunday   Drink 70 oz water/day  
Week 2:  Run MWFSu  Drink 70 oz water/day  Make 3 homemade soups/dinners 
Week 3: Same as week 2, eat salad for lunch M-F
Week 4:  Same as week 3, do yoga 2 times.

Now it's your turn!  If you want some accountability, go to Bozovich Wellness Facebook page and share your goals under the link to this post!  Don't let this never ending winter beat you and your health goals!

Monday, January 27, 2014

Tecumseh

“The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them.”
 – Unknown
 
There are days that I will never remember, never think twice about, and some I will just want to forget.  And then there are the days I will wish to remember for the rest of my life.  The ones that I hope I still have the ability to recall with my grandchildren and bore them with my "old" tales.  Tecumseh Marathon will be one of those days. 
 
I was all set to run December 7, 2013, however, due to inclement weather, the marathon was rescheduled for January 11, 2014.  The weeks that came between those two dates would prove to be some of the worst winter weather NWI had seen in years.  It made training extremely tough and I started to question my ability to actually run this race.  With a great support system around me, I was encouraged to continue and just "trust my training". 
 
The week before the race, Bloomington (where the race was held) got hit with a large amount of snow.  Then, the air began to warm up and the snow turned to rain.  Rain fell the day and night prior to the run.  There were still some mists and sprinkles in the air when I woke up in my hotel room Saturday morning. 
 
I kept reading comments from other runners on Facebook about how it was going to be muddy and miserable.  I made up my mind the week before the race that no matter what, I was going to have fun.  A little mud, a little rain, a little water was not going to stop me.  I would take it head on and not look back. 
 
I stood at the starting line with our little group and just smiled.  I was not nervous.  I was confident.  I had no idea what was ahead of me, and to be honest, had I known, I would have been extremely nervous!  They yelled "Go" and we were off like a herd of trapped cattle, finally let out to roam free and take off. 
 
For about a mile, the herd remained, and then we came to the first water crossing.  As we ran up, it was hard to figure out what was going on.  Some runners were in a line, others were pulling up their pants and wading across knee high water, and still others were climbing the rocks and hills along the creek to get to a fallen tree to use as a bridge.  I was bewildered.  We had to get wet already?  Yep.  So, we waited in the line, to attempt to cross the water without soaking our legs.  We got across and began the 3 mile or so trek through the woods to the aid station where the loop part of the course would begin.  Originally the course is a point to point, however due to the weather and flooding, they did a 4 mile run out to a 6 mile loop that we would run 3 times and then come back the 4 miles to the start.
 
Running through those wooded miles felt like an eternity.  I thought we had ran at least 4 miles when someone said we were only at 2.5.  I refused to feel defeated.  This was fun, right?  Running through the woods, jumping over small creeks, dodging roots and rocks and mud slides.  This was an adventure.  At this point, we were no longer a herd of cattle... more like the dwarfs marching through the woods from Snow White in a lifelike version of the movie, Labrynth.  At least, that is what I started to picture... and that got me through to the aid station with a smile on my face. 
 
I remember thinking that it couldn't get worse than what we just ran.  I mean, we were pretty high up in the hills and there is no way they would have marked a trail that muddy and slippery only to lead us to a worse trail, right?  Ha.  I said it a few time during the run... it was a cruel joke.  Not just a few parts of the race either... the entire race was in fact, a cruel joke. 
 
The loops went by a lot faster than I thought they would.  The hardest parts for me were the road sections.  One of the roads was a sheet of ice except for a couple small lines of gravel.  After the 2nd loop, my feet were so soaked and cold that they began to ache when we would hit pavement/ice.  The trail sections were about 90% mud filled.  There were small sections where we could run without slipping, but for the most part, I ran like I had been drinking tequila shots for hours.  I would slip, regain my footing for two steps and slip again, arms flailing and words flying.  Picture a weeble wobble that does in fact fall down.  I took two spills back to back, managing to only land on my shin and hand.  Then, I was attempting to slow down going down hill into a small creek crossing when my foot got stuck under a root.  As I pried my foot out, I was unable to get any traction and both feet flew out from under me and I slid down the hill on my backside.  THIS made for excellent conversation and laughs for the next few miles.
 
Miles 16-20, I started to feel pain.  My back went into complete spasm, my left shin felt like someone had taken a bat to it, and the bottom of my feet felt like I had no shoes on and could feel every rock and root I hit.  This is when I had to remind myself I was having fun.  This was also the time it was nice to have two awesome, experienced runners with me.  They didn't bark orders or yell or try to push me.  Instead, they distracted me with stories and extremely strange songs.  They let me walk when I needed and gently urged me to run when they knew it was possible for me. 
 
Once I knew we were close to the aid station where they mark our bibs after each loop, my spirits went up.  We were getting close to the end.  Kind of. After our bibs were marked with that magical third black line, it was about 1-2 mile run down the road to finish the 6 mile loop and head back to the finish line.  Every time we hit a mile at this point, Keith would yell it out.  21 miles, 22 miles, and at 23 miles, I got my third or fourth wind.  I wasn't running faster, but my spirits went sky high.  I was going to finish this.  I held back a few tears at that moment.  You can't cry on the trail.  You have to keep going.  As we ran out of the woods and back to the road, we came up to that same water crossing we met at the beginning.  The water had risen since the start of the race 6 hours before.  At this point, we no longer cared.  We just ran right through it.  Coldest.  Water.  Ever.  But I didn't care.  The end was near.  As we ran towards the camp ground, runners that had finished earlier were driving out of the park and yelling encouragement out the windows.  We rounded the corner into the campground and I could see two other neon green shirts matching the ones we had on, on the other side of the fence cheering us on and giving us high fives.  As I got closer to the finish, I saw Tom and I just smiled.  I crossed the finish line and just wanted to scream.  I couldn't believe I had actually finished.  Tears were in my eyes as the photographer took a couple pictures with me, Keith and Jim.  As we walked away, Keith handed me a bag.  He had been instructed to give it to me after I finished.  From Jen, Misty, and Tracy was a necklace with two charms.  One said run and the other said 26.2.  Two things that have changed my life forever. 
 
I ran that race with heart and grit and nothing else.  There was no burning desire to beat anyone or get a specific time.  My goal was to finish with a smile. I never had the desire to give up.  There were plenty of opportunities to throw in the towel and get a ride back to the camp ground, but it wasn't an option in my mind.  There was never someone telling me I had to run this marathon.  This was something I wanted to do for myself.  I know my intent was to help me overcome the emotions tied to not being able to have another baby and in some ways it has.  It hasn't changed my desire, but it has brought me peace.  I have an amazing little girl, supportive husband, and loving family and friends. 

I never imagined the outpouring of support I would get on Facebook before and after the race.  It was overwhelming.  I felt the love and support throughout the entire race and I feel so blessed that I had so many people cheering me on.  I have no idea what caused me to start blogging about this very personal part of my life, but I'm so glad I did.  I can't begin to know how to properly thank everyone.  Thank you for sharing this journey with me and helping in turning many of those stumbling blocks into very important stepping stones.  

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

To run. To see. To thank ...


"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it."

~William Arthur Ward

It's now a few days till my first marathon....again after being rescheduled.  This is the list of those who I wanted to thank for helping me along my journey. These are in no particular order.  In all honesty, there are days I need some of these more than others so it's not about the number.  It's the fact that so many people have helped me get to this point.  Every single one of them is in my heart and I am forever grateful.

#23 My Patients. You are without a doubt the most inspiring people I have ever met. It's not just the runners either...it's the ones that have such a strong desire to get better and make their lives more fulfilling by doing the things they love. You truly inspire me: Every. Single. Day.

#22 Fleet Feet Sports Schererville Oh Fleet Feet....where would I be without you? I wouldn't be running a trail marathon in December in Bloomington, that is for certain. You have brought me into contact with so many people that have touched my life, given me confidence, taught me more about running than I ever though possible, and gave me life long friends. I run the risk of leaving people out, so I will not specifically name anyone. The Fleet Feet family is one that has changed NWI running forever and I am honored to be a part of it.
 #21 Dr. VanMeter - If he hadn't told me I would never run again, I wouldn't have tried so darn hard. I have finished a lot of tough runs by just thinking about not being able to run. It immediately makes me smile when I think of how I've rebelled.

#20 MWUR. The most amazing, insanely talented group of athletes I've ever known. You've welcomed me with open crazy arms and I will forever be grateful. Now it's time to do 3 ridges in a thunderstorm....thanks.

#19 G-Dawg - You are a daily reminder of not taking life too seriously, fighting for what you believe in, and enjoying the beauty of life in general. Thank you for teaching me to appreciate the beauty and the life of the Indiana Dunes. It has made me appreciate every training run even more out there. Thank you for teaching me to express my creative side and thank you for being the most unconventional grandma I know.
 #18 - 5 years ago, I walked into a running store and had a great conversation with one of the employees. It took 3 years for her to convince me to drink the Kool Aid, and 2 more to have me inject it in my veins. Thank you Misty Walker Chandos for being one of the greatest inspirations for this marathon. You have always been an encouraging voice telling me "I can" when majority of the voices are saying, "not a good idea". From the bottom of my running heart, thank you for believing in me.

#17 - My "other" sister, Tanja. From 1,047 miles away, you have the ability to inspire me every day. You've taught me to get up every morning, be thankful for what I have, and do what I can to change what I don't like. Wish you lived closer, but grateful we are still "close".

 #16 - My dad. No matter what I choose to do, I always know you will be there to cheer me on or pick me up. Wouldn't trade you for the world.

#15 - Nikki Crawford. It meant more than you will ever know when you signed up for the Indy Mini with me for my first race. Having you there to run with and sharing that experience with you made it even more enjoyable. You are truly a daily dose of sunshine in my life. Love you little sister.
#14 - Grandpa Ray. You taught me everything I needed to know about working hard and determination. You were always my biggest cheerleader. You may no longer be here physically but you are always in my heart.
 
#13 - Jen Briggs Ryman. Thank you for coming out to the dunes for every single long run we did out there. A HUGE thank you for getting me through that 18 miler. You are awesome.

#12 - I never imagined I would be lucky enough to have a sister in law that was as close as an actual sister. Kristine, you have always encouraged me and cheered me on and been one of my biggest supporters. It has meant the world to me.

#11 - Having an amazing massage therapist at work has been a huge perk during this training. A huge thank you to Ebony for keeping my upper shoulders, back and calves nice and relaxed!

#10 - You have a natural athletic talent that I only wish I could have. You have a fearless nature about you that inspires me to get over any set backs I might create in my mind. Rachel, I wouldn't change you for a second and am so glad you are my little sister. Love you!

#9 - My mom. No matter what happens, you are always there with a smile on your face and way too much bounce in your step. Thank you for always supporting me in every crazy decision I make.
8 - My mother in law, Diane. One of the sweetest people I know. You always make me feel like I'm doing a great job...even when I'm not. Thank you for all of your support.

#7 - Justine Helminiak - I'm pretty sure you are the energizer bunny and such an inspiration. Thank you for all of your encouragement. It has helped more than you know.

#6 - Trying to remember this week and enjoy it as "My Marathon Week". Things get so hectic, that I rarely take time to really enjoy what is going on around me. Thank you Kim White for being that amazing friend that always finds a way to remember the little things that mean so much and to remind me to take a moment to enjoy them. Wish I could take you with me this weekend.
#5 - Juli - You are my oldest friend. You know me like no one else. You are one of those people that make others love life because you make it more fun! Your energy is contagious and you are one of the most beautiful people, inside and out, that I know. Love you.

#4 - Bob Bing Craig - There is no possible way I would have made it through this training without you. Having someone crazy enough to get up at 4am 3-4 mornings a week to run with me has been amazing. You give me encouragement when I want to quit, understanding when I want to cry, and congratulations when I meet my goals. Probably the best running partner. EVER. Thank you!

#3 - Lyla. The purest joy I've ever known.

#2 - Tom - You have helped me become the person I am today. Where I am weak, you are strong. You give me a different perspective and help me understand when I feel lost. The support you give me is immeasurable. I love you with all of my heart.

  #1 - I don't talk about religion or my beliefs openly with many people.  However, I will say that I believe in a higher power that is unexplainable.  Whatever or whoever that power is, I am grateful for this beautiful, magical, amazing world we live in.  I'm grateful for the ability to become who I am and for the ability to continue this training much longer than I anticipated.  I'm grateful for the beauty I encounter on every single run outdoors.  We don't have to live in exotic places to find those views which take your breath away.  We have them, right here in NWI.  Open your eyes, open your heart, and take in all that you have been given.  It's all a gift that can be taken from you at any moment.  I'm grateful for the ability to be able to do this.  To run.  To see.  To thank those that have given me the gift of a life I love.

 
*These are all photographs I have taken while either running or hiking at the Indiana Dunes State Park.