Wednesday, April 1, 2015

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...” N. Sparks

I originally wrote this in July 2013.  Time has healed, yet little instances happen in life that sometimes bring all the emotions front and center.

I've debated writing about this topic for a long time on this blog.  Is this something I want to share with people that know me as Dr. Bozovich?  Why not?  It's not embarassing.  It's not my fault.  It's just a sad truth that I have come to accept recently and maybe writing about it and sharing my story, I might be able to move on or even help someone else in a similiar situation. 

When Tom and I got married, I told him I didn't want children.  He was fine with that, even though when we first met, he talked a lot about having a son to coach.  As the years went by, he let go of that and decided a life with just me was OK. 

Somewhere after our third anniversary, I changed my tune.  I wanted a baby....maybe more.  After many, many talks, we decided together that we should start a family.  Lyla Ray was born less than two years later. 

Getting pregnant with Lyla was a breeze.  We started trying and got the positive pregnancy test the very next month.  I don't know why I ever thought I didn't want children.  Lyla has brought more love, warmth, emotion, and happiness into my life than I could ever have imagined.  When she looks at me with those enormous, blue eyes, I feel true innocent love and my heart warms.  She is everything that is right and I wish I could just hold on to her tight and keep her right where she is.  If I could freeze time, I might try.  But then I think of all the experiences she still needs to have and I know she must grow up and I must be a bystander.  All of this has become even more real to me in the past few months as I realize that I will never experience these moments again. 

I thought once Lyla was three, we would have baby number 2.  Lyla will be three in a couple of weeks and I'm not able to have any more children.  There are options, but they are extremely expensive, time consuming options that still only have a 10-15% chance of success. 

This is where I was torn.  I want to give Lyla a sibling, but I also don't want to miss out on her life right now.  If I were to do the IVF, donor egg, and whatever else they suggest, that is precious time I am spending away from my blue eyed, curly blonde.  I don't know how I'll respond to being on multiple hormones and I would rather not turn into Mommy Dearest. 

Through many tears and late night talks, we have decided to be a family of three.  Three is good.  My heart absolutely breaks for those that are forced to be a family of two or for those women who can not experience a pregnancy.  I was lucky.  There are a lot of people that don't even get the one chance I was given.  Somehow, this little girl has magically come into our lives and has brought so much joy.  These things make it hard to be sad, but the reality is, I am.   

It's hard to walk past our third bedroom some days.  I still have a lot of baby things to give away or toss out.  But I'm not quite ready.  I'll do it in my own time.  I've felt more emotions in the past few months than I ever thought possible.  From deep sadness to rage and anger and even numbness.  At times, it almost felt like I had lost someone very close to me. 

I get asked a lot when we are going to have another baby.  It's an extremely hard question to answer because I don't want to lie, but I also don't want pity.  I don't want to hear about everyone's story of how they know someone who was told they will never have a baby and then they stopped stressing and it happened.  I know this.  I understand this better than most people on the hormonal and biological level.  I understand that I still have a chance - less than 1% to be exact.  If it happens, I'll be over the moon, but the reality is that it most likely never will and I must move on with the life that I have now. 

Which brings me to the point of this post.  In roughly 5 months, I will run my first marathon.  If there is anything in this world that can help clear my mind and help my thoughts sort themselves out, it's running.  So for the next 5 months, my focus is on marathon training and living my life.  Being the best mother, wife, friend, and doctor that I can be.  It's time to take control of my life again and not let this Premature Ovarian Failure ruin it.  I can't beat it, so I might as well accept it and do something I never imagined myself doing.